The grip of change

Change has opportunities and obstacles. And today, we focus on the grip of change. I don’t mean that change has a grip on us. I mean that we have a choice of how we grip the things of our lives: our relationships, our work, anxiety, time, energy… Will we grip them tightly or hold them loosely? Do we latch on or let go?

These are questions crucial to our relationship with change, and something we’re all working on.

These two ideas often get framed as black and white. “We should stop holding tight and just let go.” One is good, the other is bad. I want to move away from that and frame these two grips positively. Because there are things we can decide to hold onto AND to let go, all working to help us negotiate the changes we experience. Change is awkward. If change is a new piece of music, then many of us have learned to play the new notes, but we struggle to move the music beyond the page to really sing it. Living and moving through our lives, but unable to move deeper and beyond the boundaries we’ve imposed. So let’s talk about the grip we have on the

Grasping and clinging are so comfortable for us because they seem like the antidote to fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety are always bringing souvenirs of the past and the hidden agendas of the future. And holding on tight seems to be a way to counteract them. We hold on to what we know even if it’s not the best thing for us, because it’s familiar, because it gives us security and safety. And so often we’re wary of changes, because we fear losing that security and safety, losing the knowledge of how to negotiate the world in the old way, even if it’s painful and unhealthy – we know how to do it, so we don’t want to lose it.

So let’s not “let go” just yet. That’s scary. Let’s just loosen the grip a little. Let’s just let the colour return to our knuckles for a just a minute.

I’m going to use a baseball analogy. Not all of you are baseball fans, but hear it through. In years of watching Blue Jays games, of listening to endless podcasts about the ins and outs of pitching and batting, I’ve heard a lot of hitters and coaches talk about their grip on the bat. This is from the baseball coaching site “Hitting Cues”

In order for a hitter to be successfull, their hands need to be as loose as possible, which means keeping hands ready and available to drive through the baseball, wrists ready to release. If you don’t have your knuckles lined up it usually means you’re gripping the bat too tight. And if you grip the bat too tight, then your hands, wrists, and forearms are tight – which is called being “locked”). When these body parts are “locked”, then your whole upper body gets locked too. And if that happens, then you just can’t snap your wrists with maximum efficiency at contact. Loosen the fingers, align the knuckles, and the whole body becomes loose and able to react to the pitch in a timely manner.

What if we consider holding on in a different way. We like to hold tight to things: behaviours and patterns, old beliefs, guilt, anger, love, loss, grief, betrayal. And when we’re holding them too tight, we’re locking up…we do hold these things in our bodies, we notice it in our guts, our heart, our muscles, our bowels, our back. And just like holding a bat, we can’t react as calmly and well when we’re locked. What if we can work at loosening our grip just a little. Just relax our grip, focus just a bit on our alignment, letting these changes and challenges live but live loosely – not allowing them to overpower us and lock us up.

To put it another way:

The Hindu sage Rama-krishna once said that the mind is like raw fabric; it takes the color of the dye it’s soaked in. Soak the mind in a quiet, relaxing environment and it will become quiet and relaxed. Soak it in deadlines, fear and anger, and it will become crowded, fearful and angry. It’s the spiritual equivalent of “you are what you eat”.

It’s the Hindu way of saying “loosen your grip on the bat”.

So what if we reframe what we’re holding onto, what we’re soaking the fabric of our mind in?

Rather than seeing change as a monster to fear as we white-knuckle the transitions, holding on for dear life, what if we allow it to be an opportunity to consider where our priorities lie? How do we really want to spend our time? What’s really important to us? What do we want to centre our lives on – what values, what principles, what ideals would we never want to betray?

What models of living will we live by, where it comes to family, friends, convictions, scientific achievement, what organizations we support, what will guide our behaviour, decisions, thinking? Focusing on these kinds of ideas can create a surprisingly powerful buffer against whatever troubles and changes we might be gripping really firmly. Instead, these are the kinds of things that give us a positive framework to hold, to align and to be ready for what comes next.

In a series of studies spanning more than a decade, researchers led by Geoffrey Cohen and David Sherman have shown how people of all ages in a range of circumstances, from new schools and new relationships to new jobs, can strengthen resilience with a simple exercise: spending 10 minutes writing about a time when a particular value you hold has positively affected you. They found that reflecting on a personal value helps us rise above the immediate threat or challenge and makes us realize that our personal identity can’t be compromised by one challenging situation. Fascinating stuff.

Let’s move to letting go – another way we can approach the opportunities and obstacles of change. Sometimes it takes more strength to let go, than to hold on; Because we are convinced that it feels heavier to hold nothing, than to carry everything.

A story from the Jesus tradition of his interaction with three would-be disciples.

As they were going along the road, someone said to Jesus, ‘I will follow you wherever you go.’ But Jesus was curt with him: “Are you ready to rough it? We’re not staying in the best inns, you know.”  To another he said, ‘Will you follow me?’ And that one said, ‘Yes, but first let me go and make arrangements for my father’s funeral.’ Jesus replied, “First things first. Your business is life, not death…and life is urgent, let’s go.’ Another said, ‘I will follow you, teacher; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.’ Jesus said to him, ‘No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is well placed for the work of spiritual living.’

Like most pieces of ancient spiritual text, let’s not get mired in the details. They don’t matter so much. It’s not about burying the father or saying goodbye to family or working a plough. It’s about the wisdom of what those things mean to our focus, where will we hold on and where will we let go?

1. In moving through life, the work of change requires strength. Life isn’t a smooth ride.
2. Let go of the harsh grip of the past. Be focused on what brings life.
3. Keep your gaze on what you’re doing right now, with your mind and heart and body engaged in the work of moving forward.

“Don’t look back, where the past lures you into old fears, well-rehearsed regrets, or ancient tropes about not being good enough or it not being worth it to change. Equally, don’t look forward and borrow worries from tomorrow. These would be good things to let go of.

What have we been carrying? Maybe more than pool toys as in the Zen Short story. But Stillwater the Buddhist Panda, reminds us that it’s okay to carry it while we need it. But when negativity becomes our burden, it might be time to let it go.

As we work and support one another on this journey, may we all embrace the skills and strengths within us to meet the obstacles of change, to know the good to hold on to when everything changes, to know what comforts us and defines us through thick or thin. And at the same time, may we be courageous enough to embrace the opportunities that come with letting go of the limitations and negatives.

In whatever your day, your week, the next season of life brings to you, may our grip be one that brings us health and wholeness…in so many ways.

Sometimes it takes more strength to let go, than to hold on; Because we are convinced that it feels heavier to hold nothing, than to carry everything. I suck at letting go.  If there is anything in life that I really excel at, could maybe win a gold medal at, it would be holding on.  Holding on to what was or how I want it to be.  Always and forever.  Except always and forever, in this life, many times turns into sometimes and for never.

I’ve had a long, few years, in letting go and I’m finding letting goes comes in layers.  That there is a good chance we aren’t just holding onto one giant, gym class, sized rope but that we are clinging to many.  I’ve willingly dropped some ropes, had friends help pry other ropes out from my fingers.

It’s hard to let go of those ropes that you have a death grip on.  Your fingers cramped and calloused, almost form and conform right into those frays.  If you let go of the rope, you might loose some of you.  Its likely to be painful.  How will you treat the wounds?  Will you have scars that remind you, daily?  What will your hands hold now?  Who will catch or carry the rope?

Yes, you will lose some of you.  But, if that quote is right, then you will also find you.  The you you’ve been too pre-occupied to see.  The you that arrives after you let go. Your hand will be free to hold grasp something new – and we find that we are still the person we need to be- the past that is no longer present, the dream you dreamed of doing, the future ahead.

One of my favorite texts in the Bible comes from Isaiah 43;18. It says, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”

Isaiah had a vision for a completely new reality, one marked by effortless peace, self responsibility and social harmony. Because the Hebrew people expected to find their peace in a temple, via priests, the way it used to be, Isaiah had to make clear that this was going to be a new way of experiencing peace. There was no temple and no sacrifices were necessary. The new way involved an inner path of acceptance and self awareness. Everything that religion had previously held at arm’s length from them, they now had immediate and direct access to – forgiveness, peace, enlightenment, heaven…

It’s a beautiful vision because, even though the new way is unfamiliar, it’s completely free and easy. It has no punishment or exacting standards. It’s about being completely authentic and human. Once the Hebrew people could see that there was more to be gained by following the new path than staying with the familiar old path, they would catch the vision.

The incredible truth about the new thing that Isaiah describes is that it’s there whether you perceive it or not. It’s the nature of God to do new things. Because the nature of life is constant change, all things are new all the time, therefore God is all there is. Or else you could think about it this way – every time you perceive the new thing that is happening, you experience God. The easiest way to experience newness is to drop your nostalgia and assumptions that the old way is all there is.

Like scales falling from your eyes, your beginner’s mind will open up crystal clear perception of the new thing.

Paul Tillich was one of the pioneering theologians of the 20th century. This is his interpretation of Isaiah 43-

“Nothing is more surprising than the rise of the new within ourselves. We do not foresee or observe its growth. We do not try to produce it by the strength of our will, by the power of our emotion, or by the clarity of our intellect. On the contrary, we feel that by trying to produce it we prevent its coming. By trying, we would produce the old in the power of the old, but not the new in the power of the new. The new being is born in us, just when we least believe in it. It appears in remote corners of our souls which we have neglected for a long time. It opens up deep levels of our personality which had been shut out by old decisions and old exclusions. It shows a way where there was no way before. It liberates us from the tragedy of having to decide and having to exclude, because it is given before any decision. Suddenly we notice it within us! The new which we sought and longed for comes to us in the moment in which we lose hope of ever finding it. That is the first thing we must say about the new: it appears when and where it chooses. We cannot force it, and we cannot calculate it. Readiness is the only condition for it…”

Pause and reflect on the new thing that is happening in the world. You are no longer ruled by the old religious principles. You don’t have to pacify an angry God to get to heaven. You don’t have to look outside of yourself to some future time for peace. It’s all right here and right now, right within you. I am not directing you to heaven in the sky, in some unknown future, but to the heaven that you create every time you find peace with the new thing that is happening.

Like Isaiah’s vision, it is a whole new way of being community. Each person is valued because of who you are – your spiritual value and not your economic or utilitarian value. It’s a radical new vision for global community based in celebration of diversity. It’s even a radical new way of being activists in the world. You don’t have to solve all the problems of the world, or suffer for joy. Just do what you love and that will make all the difference. Do what sends shivers down your spine and your joy will send a shiver up the spines of other people. You will transform the world with a single shiver.

When not meditating, the mind continues this pattern of hunting out the interesting, pleasant or stimulating, clinging to each object until it loses its appeal and is discarded as the mind seeks out new something new. First, it wants to read a book, but after a while it becomes uninteresting so the thought of watching a movie comes to mind. Flicking channels on the TV, a suitable film is stumbled upon which entertains for a while, but then this too becomes boring. How about a drink? That’ll stimulate the senses (and the mind) for a moment or two. Not really thirsty, but just seeking out pleasant experience, one put s the drink to one side, half finished and decides to listen to some music. Ah, this is great, letting the rhythm and melody waft over one’s awareness…until this too loses its attraction. Sound familiar?

The mind is a fickle thing, jumping from this to that and then back again on a moment to moment basis. It is not a faithful lover. Learning to see this behavior can be the first step in freeing oneself from the prison of desire, which if unchecked will deny one the opportunity of any real contentment. For contentment cannot be found in the things that might stimulate for a time, but in the stillness that resides beyond both object and desire, and that is the doorway to a truly happy existence.